Sunset or Sunrise

One of my friends told me one day that he would never change his journey to anything else in the world. The journey he had began when he was first diagnosed with HIV 17 years ago. I was amazed about my friend`s attitude. He made me think though. Did he really mean it? Or did he just tell me this to make me see that an HIV diagnosis is not the end of the world? Than i asked him what he meant by saying that. He said it actually had led him to areas of life which he would had never experienced without it. He had met people he woudn`t had and his life`s become full.

This made me think. I remember when i was first diagnosed i freaked out. I really did. I thought that would be the last day of my life and this new me would be something less. Something even i cannot accept myself so how would i expect others to.. I thought i was the one in the world the least lucky and from that day on, i will only have got bad, very bad happenings to me. I didn`t want to face my future. I didn`t want to face people and i mostly didn`t want to face mirrors.. I felt lost and very lonely. I cried. I cried a lot. I had already lost so much and felt i had lost my life too. I felt hopeless and helpless..

The conversation with that friend of mine was sometime at this point. It just turned out to me that he was HIV+ and i was amazed about his attitude. About his energy for life and the whole creation of his. I had all my respect to him and still do. Than i began to look for others. Others in this world which was so new to me. I knew no one walks on the streets with the flashlight on their forehead about their status so i had to find a channel. Internet seemed to be a good idea for a start. Right. I was there. I searched for others having the virus and living with it and their friends who are not. I searched a lot and found them. I actually found a lot of them. People who think the value isn`t on the outside but within. People who were mor interested in my inner self than my look. Real people. Not shallow ones. And i no longer felt alone. I made friends and met great people. Different people but all very great in their own values. I no longer felt lonly and hopeless. No longer craved for help. I found this hidden world behind the walls and i`ve come to feel that i have finally found myself. I had to realise this is a new me and my journey has also began...

The wonderful man

London. Finally .. I came here on the first stage like it was my home. Oh well, i had never been before. I remember, when i was a kid i used to be dreaming about living in london. I had read a lot about the city. Everything we were tought in schools were basically originated from here. Than as i grew and became older i had some books of Edgar Allan Poe in to my hands. Wow, what an imagination i had those days.. However i always thought that it was a little scary as it came accross by Poe`s writings though i wanted to experience it. Never thought of it to be creepy or scary maybe a little bit a freak but with all my muscles all my emotions i was gonna experience it. Than i got the opportunity. I could move here. Wow, what a city. This was my first thought when first arrived. As i was walking down the streets i had a kinda feeling as i guess i would have got the first time on the Spaceship Voyager. What a mixture of people. London is not only a city. London is not just a place to see or to be seen. London is a Lifestyle. I was amazed... And it opened up its gates for me like for an old friend who was well expected to arrive. I often went to the riverside thinking that i was one of the characters from my childhood stories. I was expecting to bum into Mr Holms or Oscar Wilde. As i was having a walk in the Hyde Park i was dreaming about talking to some old english Lady and having the walk together as we are feeding the ducks. Or when i looked on the house roofes i was expectin Mary Poppnis to pass on as holding her umbrella. The little narrow streets i could imagine Oliver Twist... - and so on. I just fell in love with this all. I have had the question popped up in my head many times Who`s is London? Is it only for the English People? Or is it for the foreigners as there are more of them each day? Well it seems to me London is for those live it. And it is very good. I live here so i have got a part of it. London is like a man. A real man. It can be very nice yet funny and romantic but also strict even tough at the same time. I feel it safe tolerating accepting and beutyfull. It has been years now. And i`ve come to feel my home here..

Yeah, what did i expect? -This is Hungary...

Not so long time ago a friend of mine came to visit me in Budapest. We went to one of my favorite pizza places in town. I pretty much like the place quite cosy and they do good food too. My friend had been there with me before as well. We were about to have something nice like pasta or pizza and some drinks as well. I didn`t even realise that it was exactly on the world`s AIDS day. Yes this is one of those days which i can never date but when someone says to me "Did you know it is today?" - i just go yes. However we all always know...
So we were to eat and he asked me how i felt about it bieng the remarkable day. Just said "Dunno..!" -Well, i didn`t pay much attention to him and what he was telling me because i had some sort of free paper in my hand and i was watching that too. As i was paging in the issue i just found a slot about poz - neg sex relations. I was like what a fuck.. Lemme have a look. I was reading and i had to realise that must had been written by a HIV neg parson and his overvivew must had been not more than what he could get from other papers... -yeah, what do u expect? This is Hungary...
Anyway as i paged i got to the picture. The picture which was supposed to illustrate the topic. Well i thought my eyes would pop out for the moment. I couldn`t belive and i couldn`t decide either to cry or to lough.
I showed it to my friend who freaked out too and we dropped the paper. I think this was just too much! anyway, what did i expect?1 This is Hungary...
And why am i saying it now. Because i had come back to London a while ago i finally decided to get the paper and publish the picture.
I was promised to have it sent by one of the owners of the mentioned paper i only had to accept their will about publishing the letter to them about my enquery in their next issue. Well i agreed! However they`ve never sent me the picture.. -yeah, what did i expect? -this is Hungary.. !
Lucky enough my friend had to go back to Budapest recently and got the paper and sent the picture to me...
When he went to one of the computer shops to scan in and email it to me he was refused by the fact the guy`s butt is seen on it...
Yeah, what did i expect? -this is Hungary ...

My cross..

One day I had found someone nice, very nice and i fell in love. I was mad for the one, i was more than mad. I was in love. The one never apriciated me, never respected things i had done for him and never knew me really. - never even wanted to... He was taking a lot from me, my money, my soul, and my emotions. He was using me.He played a game. He was playing a nasty game with me. I was blind, i was in love. One day i woke up. I could open my eyes for a little while, and i was angry. Angry with the situation, angry with the guy and with the whole world. I started to rave. I was raving over nights and days. I was out of myself and i tasted poison. I had a couple of months in fog and i was over years in experiences. Than the guy flu back in my life again. He came back and he closed my eyes back again. I went back blind again. I went back to my emotions and i belived he was there again. But no, he was a lie again. He was never there again however he said he was. Than in the last moment i got the news.... - few months of raving cannot be unpunished. Oh yes, i got my punch. Red letters, three red letters plus! I didn`t care with that. I was still in love, i thought he would be there and on my side through the hard time. No, he wasn`t. With my new status he didn`t want me no more.He was using me again and than he kicked me away again. He left again and this time he`s left me for ever!