Sunset or Sunrise

One of my friends told me one day that he would never change his journey to anything else in the world. The journey he had began when he was first diagnosed with HIV 17 years ago. I was amazed about my friend`s attitude. He made me think though. Did he really mean it? Or did he just tell me this to make me see that an HIV diagnosis is not the end of the world? Than i asked him what he meant by saying that. He said it actually had led him to areas of life which he would had never experienced without it. He had met people he woudn`t had and his life`s become full.

This made me think. I remember when i was first diagnosed i freaked out. I really did. I thought that would be the last day of my life and this new me would be something less. Something even i cannot accept myself so how would i expect others to.. I thought i was the one in the world the least lucky and from that day on, i will only have got bad, very bad happenings to me. I didn`t want to face my future. I didn`t want to face people and i mostly didn`t want to face mirrors.. I felt lost and very lonely. I cried. I cried a lot. I had already lost so much and felt i had lost my life too. I felt hopeless and helpless..

The conversation with that friend of mine was sometime at this point. It just turned out to me that he was HIV+ and i was amazed about his attitude. About his energy for life and the whole creation of his. I had all my respect to him and still do. Than i began to look for others. Others in this world which was so new to me. I knew no one walks on the streets with the flashlight on their forehead about their status so i had to find a channel. Internet seemed to be a good idea for a start. Right. I was there. I searched for others having the virus and living with it and their friends who are not. I searched a lot and found them. I actually found a lot of them. People who think the value isn`t on the outside but within. People who were mor interested in my inner self than my look. Real people. Not shallow ones. And i no longer felt alone. I made friends and met great people. Different people but all very great in their own values. I no longer felt lonly and hopeless. No longer craved for help. I found this hidden world behind the walls and i`ve come to feel that i have finally found myself. I had to realise this is a new me and my journey has also began...