Ged Elgin and me as his Gay Superhero

The disaster i always knew would happen has happened today. Ged has walked in! (well, into the pub where i was covering a shift and still not in to my life unfortunately)

You may not remember who he was. (his name had been mentioned in the blog Bitch..) I had met him a few months ago and i guess i kinda fell in love with him. We met on Jimmy Smith`s birthday party at the two brewers in September. We only talked than and had a few nice moments together but as he had to leave early we never exchanged phone numbers or so that time. However we met again a month later at the same bar exactly at the day when Richard and Gary came back together. We all plus Aiden went to the 2 brewers to celebrate what happened to them but as the happy couple seemed to be too busy with each others so they couldn`t care for us we needed to find other ways to get entertained.

Well, as we got in to the place i immediately bumped in to Ged who i had met before on Jimmy`s birthday. We were very happy to see each others and we carried on the night together. As he was with his flatmate i was very happy to pass Aiden on him so every one of us became "paired up". The night went very well and by the end of the night i found myself in Ged`s arms. Than he asked me if i wanted to come back to his place since he only lived like 5 minutes walk from the club. " That`s fine! - i said - But you need to know that i am HIV+ and if it causes a problem i will understand!" He was very impressed about my honesty and he said he still wanted me to come back to his. I happily said yes.

On the way to his place i asked him how i would get back to the train station and he just said "Hey, you are with Ged, i will take you back!" What a gentleman i thought to myself... By the way, the guy looks just like what i had always dreamed of. He is about 6" 1` tall, dark kinda black hair, hazel eyes and a very nice athletic body. He is 32 years old and his star sign is a Taurus which is one of my best matches. He is very very handsome and has got the sexiest smile i have ever seen in my life. Honestly, when he smiles at me the world stops and there is only him in the picture i can see. He is originally from Newcastle hence he has got a very sexy (gosh, very very sexy) Geordie accent. I couldn`t believe it was happening to me and i never wanted it to come to the end.

When we got back to his place we had a lot to talk about and i found him more and more attractive. He had come across to me as a very down to earth guy kinda boy-next-door type. He likes fishing and nature and he plays guitar. In fact he showed me one of his songs and he played and sang for me in the middle of the night. We had no sex all through the night or the morning but loads of cuddles and kisses. I honestly didn`t feel like having sex at all. i was more happy what i had there. OMG, I felt ever so happy! Anytime i looked in to his eyes i only saw clearness and honesty and i thought he would be the first one in my life i could really open up to. All in all we had a fantastic time together. The first time in my life i felt something different. Something i had never felt before. We talked a lot. I told him about my life and Hilda and he told me a lot about himself too.

Than he said something which i think i will never can forget in my life. He turned to me and said; "You know, i like you a lot. I like your body, i like your face i like your smile i like your honesty i like that you are funny and witty and i think you are very clever. You have got a very good attitude and a very loving and caring personality. What you do to your adopted grandmother is very great and i think this is a very big thing" - than he looked at me and waited a second. "But?" - I asked. "There is no but, i like you a lot just as you are!" - He said. I just smiled and felt the everlasting happiness had began. I was trying to play it cool but not much success. "What you have just said makes me feel like a gay superhero." - I said. "You are a Gay Superhero!" - he said to me and than he kissed me again. This guy liked me just as i was. Nothing more or less, just the one i was and it made me more opened to him. The first time in my life i opened up to someone so much and i showed the real myself what has always taken a long period of time to see. He could see it so soon for the first time. It felt very scary since it had never happened to me to have been opened up so much.

Than i told him all the things i liked in him and we carried on kissing and that drove us asleep. Before falling asleep i had random thoughts like, Gosh i am a Gay Superhero! This is the best and cutest thing i have ever been told in my life! He is a hero and he is my hero and he is here with me and i am having all his kisses and everything. OMG, i am the happiest person in the world...

In the morning i had to leave some early because i had promised to Hilda that i would take her out for lunch. On the way to the underground where he had taken me as promised we agreed that we would meet up some the following weekend or so.

By this time i was quite clear with the picture. He is the one i want. Well the question is am i the one he wants? This just made the whole thing more exciting. He seemed to be very interested and we will meet soon again so i will see if he wants me or not. At least i know. I definitely want him. On my way home i was day dreaming about him, like going to Hungary or just to the country side in England together. And about things we could do together.. - I was ever so happy and i reached for sky. I thought the day had come for me and something really had began.

Well, I text messaged to him when i got home to which he replied only the next day. Saying he thought he had sent the message but he had put it into his drafts by accident. Than i texted back. He replied a day later again. Well, he must be a slow texter i thought.

By the end of the week we exchanged a few messages and he told me he couldn`t meet me because he was very stressed out because he had met his ex boyfriend. He also told me that he didn`t want anything right than because he just finished his LTR 4.5 years and he thought it would be too early to jump in to something else right than. Well i had to accept his decision. But he would be very happy to be my friend because he liked me a lot.

A couple of weeks later i had to go to the 2 Brewers again and i met him there accidentally. He seemed to be very happy to see me there and i was very happy to see him again too. We had a few drinks and some dance and all in all the night went very well. I thought we may end up somewhere than. Well than he had to go to the toilet and i stayed on the dance floor with his flatmate who turned to me and said something i think i would never forget again.; "Look, Kristian, i like you and i find you a good guy so i think you need to know something. Ged has met someone a couple of weeks ago and they like each others very much. They have been seeing each others ever since!" I nearly collapsed when he said that to me. "Well Wayne, thank you very much for telling me that and i think in this case i must believe that Ged must had been telling me lies when he said that he didn`t want to jump in to something serious just now. I am sorry i need a drink now!" and i left for the bar and had a double vodka straight than another one immediately. Than i asked for a double vodka and coke and i went back to the dance floor to see Wayne and tried to play cool. I was smiling but i guess that was more like a grin on my face. Than Ged came back to us and was smiling and everything. I couldn`t cope any longer. I looked at Ged and i didn`t find the whole situation attractive. I felt like wanted to throw up. I looked at Wayne and all i could say was; "You know Wayne, when you are HIV+ve you`ve got to be twice as nice person as anyone else and twice as good looking and still, nobody will want you!" I felt ever so sick so i just left them there without saying a word to Ged. I sat down by one of the tables and i was on the edge of getting unconscious.

I was far enough to see them but covered by the shadow so they didn`t see me. I saw them having a discussion and than left within a few minutes time. I followed them with my eyes and saw them leaving the venue. I deleted his number from my mobile phone straight away.

I never heard from them ever since until today. I actually had thought of him a lot. I had a really hard time because of this. I had never been so much let down since i finished up everything with Kenny. I just never let any one do it to me. Well, i never let any one close to me. I cried a lot than i tried to lough over it, than i cried again than i started off on antidepressants. They helped. But thanks God, i never saw him or heard anything from him. In meanwhile i lost my mobile phone so even if he wanted to contact me i wouldn`t know. I am not actually happy that i hadn`t seen him, but i am sure if that night he had told me what Wayne had it would have come to me so differently. Having heard it from a third person just makes the whole thing so unbelievable and i just always wanted to see him again and talk to him. But not much chance. Complete silence from that way. Until today...

I was chopping the limes by the end of the bar at the 2 brewers where i was covering. Very quite day though. My mangers are playing on the ibox my other colleagues are sitting at the bar talking. No customers around. Than as i am chopping up the limes i had a thought. I pictured Ged coming in to the pub with his smile and i would look at him with opened eyes. Than i heard the door opening. I looked up and i saw Ged coming in with another guy. I started to shake. I was shaking like a leaves in the wind. Shit, Why can i not forget this guy? Why do i have to go through this again and again?? Why am i shaking now?? As i was having these kinda thoughts i went to the middle of the bar and acknowledged them.

"Hi, how are you doing?" - I said "Very good thank you! How are you?" - He said. "Good!" - I replied. By this time i was so shaking i had to focus on the drink i was pouring for him otherwise i would have poured it over the glass or just simply drop the whole thing. So i couldn`t even look at him. I saw him he was looking for something to say but than he found better be quiet. So was i. He paid and left. He sat down to the fruit machine with his Friend and i saw them talking about me.

I had random thoughts and i started to be shaking again. i thought i wanted to go to him and say something. Or maybe just to kiss him or give him a hug. Well, don`t know, but i have got a belief that the story hasn`t finished here. I simply can not blieve that he was only acting that night. He doesn`t look like a player or a lier. He seemed to be so honest and clear to me just as i was to him. I do believe that he is a good guy but unfortunately don`t know if it is only something i believe or the reality. I really would love to find it out. Though after this drink they left. I saw him looking back guess he wanted to say good bye but i didn`t raise my head. He must have thought i didn`t want to say good bye so they just left.

The truth is, i did want to say good bye but i was afraid that would have been our last good bye and i want to see him again. I like him a lot and i would do anything to be together with him again...