Pre thoughts about N.Y.E..v2

Right, i am feeling like the absolute decadence is coming up. I have got a feeling like i was given this year to do something like to complete a few tasks and i did complete most of them apart from one and i am running out of time now since this year only lasts like five more hours. I couldn`t really tell or explain to you what this one was or why i am having this inner thought i just have got this kind of feeling. And this is bad. I am just about to go to work and i live it like i am going to die. I am expecting something very bad happening to me and i don`t know why or what this is. I am feeling like i am scared of the coming year and looking at everybody`s happiness and excitement doesn`t help at all either.

Anyway, i will see very soon. I have prepared myself though. i am clean my hair is all clipped off wherever i like it clipped off and i am just about to be wearing something smart. I am well prepared and i am ready to face the new year and everything that brings up. I may well just be scared the hard work the night is promising or seeing all the happy couples around myself all night long. I don`t know. I am going anyway and will see myself soon! I will let you know anyway..

Let`s go for it!

Pre thoughts about N.Y.E..

Very good! I will be a hero again. Alright, not like for real but the length of the hours i am going to work at the Black Cap makes me feel like one of those guys who have decided to get awarded for working the most and the hardest in the world. I think i should get someone to report it to the Books of the Guiness records.

We open the pub early evening and will close early morning. And guess what, i hate it already. My ideal N.Y.E is either in a big great party with the one you love and friends around or at home either alone or someone important to your heart. Well, this year i am working. Not simply working, but working hard. I will be there from 10pm till like 6 am and will be serving thousands of drinks to all those people i am not happy to see in the area i am not happy to be at (Camden Town). Yes, Freakish Town will accommodate another few thousands of the freaks to let them think that they are having a great time. Gosh and i am assisting to it. I cannot believe it. Well anyway. These are my pre thoughts and it may happen to be good. I am ready for everything now. Well prepared for the best and the worst. We will see tomorrow. We will see anyway..

Need to go to bed now because i have a got a lot to do ahead of me today. I need to do my hair stuff than cook the lentils. Wash and shave and than go to work. I don`t even know what to put on. I should be wearing something nice for the event. Gosh, i cannot step in to the new year with all the shit.... Well, there is still one thing i am carrying and it is very heavy. My heart and my thoughts.. Good Lord, when will i get the one i want??

Anyway, going now but i will let you know how it went..

Good night now!

Ged Elgin and me as his Gay Superhero

The disaster i always knew would happen has happened today. Ged has walked in! (well, into the pub where i was covering a shift and still not in to my life unfortunately)

You may not remember who he was. (his name had been mentioned in the blog Bitch..) I had met him a few months ago and i guess i kinda fell in love with him. We met on Jimmy Smith`s birthday party at the two brewers in September. We only talked than and had a few nice moments together but as he had to leave early we never exchanged phone numbers or so that time. However we met again a month later at the same bar exactly at the day when Richard and Gary came back together. We all plus Aiden went to the 2 brewers to celebrate what happened to them but as the happy couple seemed to be too busy with each others so they couldn`t care for us we needed to find other ways to get entertained.

Well, as we got in to the place i immediately bumped in to Ged who i had met before on Jimmy`s birthday. We were very happy to see each others and we carried on the night together. As he was with his flatmate i was very happy to pass Aiden on him so every one of us became "paired up". The night went very well and by the end of the night i found myself in Ged`s arms. Than he asked me if i wanted to come back to his place since he only lived like 5 minutes walk from the club. " That`s fine! - i said - But you need to know that i am HIV+ and if it causes a problem i will understand!" He was very impressed about my honesty and he said he still wanted me to come back to his. I happily said yes.

On the way to his place i asked him how i would get back to the train station and he just said "Hey, you are with Ged, i will take you back!" What a gentleman i thought to myself... By the way, the guy looks just like what i had always dreamed of. He is about 6" 1` tall, dark kinda black hair, hazel eyes and a very nice athletic body. He is 32 years old and his star sign is a Taurus which is one of my best matches. He is very very handsome and has got the sexiest smile i have ever seen in my life. Honestly, when he smiles at me the world stops and there is only him in the picture i can see. He is originally from Newcastle hence he has got a very sexy (gosh, very very sexy) Geordie accent. I couldn`t believe it was happening to me and i never wanted it to come to the end.

When we got back to his place we had a lot to talk about and i found him more and more attractive. He had come across to me as a very down to earth guy kinda boy-next-door type. He likes fishing and nature and he plays guitar. In fact he showed me one of his songs and he played and sang for me in the middle of the night. We had no sex all through the night or the morning but loads of cuddles and kisses. I honestly didn`t feel like having sex at all. i was more happy what i had there. OMG, I felt ever so happy! Anytime i looked in to his eyes i only saw clearness and honesty and i thought he would be the first one in my life i could really open up to. All in all we had a fantastic time together. The first time in my life i felt something different. Something i had never felt before. We talked a lot. I told him about my life and Hilda and he told me a lot about himself too.

Than he said something which i think i will never can forget in my life. He turned to me and said; "You know, i like you a lot. I like your body, i like your face i like your smile i like your honesty i like that you are funny and witty and i think you are very clever. You have got a very good attitude and a very loving and caring personality. What you do to your adopted grandmother is very great and i think this is a very big thing" - than he looked at me and waited a second. "But?" - I asked. "There is no but, i like you a lot just as you are!" - He said. I just smiled and felt the everlasting happiness had began. I was trying to play it cool but not much success. "What you have just said makes me feel like a gay superhero." - I said. "You are a Gay Superhero!" - he said to me and than he kissed me again. This guy liked me just as i was. Nothing more or less, just the one i was and it made me more opened to him. The first time in my life i opened up to someone so much and i showed the real myself what has always taken a long period of time to see. He could see it so soon for the first time. It felt very scary since it had never happened to me to have been opened up so much.

Than i told him all the things i liked in him and we carried on kissing and that drove us asleep. Before falling asleep i had random thoughts like, Gosh i am a Gay Superhero! This is the best and cutest thing i have ever been told in my life! He is a hero and he is my hero and he is here with me and i am having all his kisses and everything. OMG, i am the happiest person in the world...

In the morning i had to leave some early because i had promised to Hilda that i would take her out for lunch. On the way to the underground where he had taken me as promised we agreed that we would meet up some the following weekend or so.

By this time i was quite clear with the picture. He is the one i want. Well the question is am i the one he wants? This just made the whole thing more exciting. He seemed to be very interested and we will meet soon again so i will see if he wants me or not. At least i know. I definitely want him. On my way home i was day dreaming about him, like going to Hungary or just to the country side in England together. And about things we could do together.. - I was ever so happy and i reached for sky. I thought the day had come for me and something really had began.

Well, I text messaged to him when i got home to which he replied only the next day. Saying he thought he had sent the message but he had put it into his drafts by accident. Than i texted back. He replied a day later again. Well, he must be a slow texter i thought.

By the end of the week we exchanged a few messages and he told me he couldn`t meet me because he was very stressed out because he had met his ex boyfriend. He also told me that he didn`t want anything right than because he just finished his LTR 4.5 years and he thought it would be too early to jump in to something else right than. Well i had to accept his decision. But he would be very happy to be my friend because he liked me a lot.

A couple of weeks later i had to go to the 2 Brewers again and i met him there accidentally. He seemed to be very happy to see me there and i was very happy to see him again too. We had a few drinks and some dance and all in all the night went very well. I thought we may end up somewhere than. Well than he had to go to the toilet and i stayed on the dance floor with his flatmate who turned to me and said something i think i would never forget again.; "Look, Kristian, i like you and i find you a good guy so i think you need to know something. Ged has met someone a couple of weeks ago and they like each others very much. They have been seeing each others ever since!" I nearly collapsed when he said that to me. "Well Wayne, thank you very much for telling me that and i think in this case i must believe that Ged must had been telling me lies when he said that he didn`t want to jump in to something serious just now. I am sorry i need a drink now!" and i left for the bar and had a double vodka straight than another one immediately. Than i asked for a double vodka and coke and i went back to the dance floor to see Wayne and tried to play cool. I was smiling but i guess that was more like a grin on my face. Than Ged came back to us and was smiling and everything. I couldn`t cope any longer. I looked at Ged and i didn`t find the whole situation attractive. I felt like wanted to throw up. I looked at Wayne and all i could say was; "You know Wayne, when you are HIV+ve you`ve got to be twice as nice person as anyone else and twice as good looking and still, nobody will want you!" I felt ever so sick so i just left them there without saying a word to Ged. I sat down by one of the tables and i was on the edge of getting unconscious.

I was far enough to see them but covered by the shadow so they didn`t see me. I saw them having a discussion and than left within a few minutes time. I followed them with my eyes and saw them leaving the venue. I deleted his number from my mobile phone straight away.

I never heard from them ever since until today. I actually had thought of him a lot. I had a really hard time because of this. I had never been so much let down since i finished up everything with Kenny. I just never let any one do it to me. Well, i never let any one close to me. I cried a lot than i tried to lough over it, than i cried again than i started off on antidepressants. They helped. But thanks God, i never saw him or heard anything from him. In meanwhile i lost my mobile phone so even if he wanted to contact me i wouldn`t know. I am not actually happy that i hadn`t seen him, but i am sure if that night he had told me what Wayne had it would have come to me so differently. Having heard it from a third person just makes the whole thing so unbelievable and i just always wanted to see him again and talk to him. But not much chance. Complete silence from that way. Until today...

I was chopping the limes by the end of the bar at the 2 brewers where i was covering. Very quite day though. My mangers are playing on the ibox my other colleagues are sitting at the bar talking. No customers around. Than as i am chopping up the limes i had a thought. I pictured Ged coming in to the pub with his smile and i would look at him with opened eyes. Than i heard the door opening. I looked up and i saw Ged coming in with another guy. I started to shake. I was shaking like a leaves in the wind. Shit, Why can i not forget this guy? Why do i have to go through this again and again?? Why am i shaking now?? As i was having these kinda thoughts i went to the middle of the bar and acknowledged them.

"Hi, how are you doing?" - I said "Very good thank you! How are you?" - He said. "Good!" - I replied. By this time i was so shaking i had to focus on the drink i was pouring for him otherwise i would have poured it over the glass or just simply drop the whole thing. So i couldn`t even look at him. I saw him he was looking for something to say but than he found better be quiet. So was i. He paid and left. He sat down to the fruit machine with his Friend and i saw them talking about me.

I had random thoughts and i started to be shaking again. i thought i wanted to go to him and say something. Or maybe just to kiss him or give him a hug. Well, don`t know, but i have got a belief that the story hasn`t finished here. I simply can not blieve that he was only acting that night. He doesn`t look like a player or a lier. He seemed to be so honest and clear to me just as i was to him. I do believe that he is a good guy but unfortunately don`t know if it is only something i believe or the reality. I really would love to find it out. Though after this drink they left. I saw him looking back guess he wanted to say good bye but i didn`t raise my head. He must have thought i didn`t want to say good bye so they just left.

The truth is, i did want to say good bye but i was afraid that would have been our last good bye and i want to see him again. I like him a lot and i would do anything to be together with him again...

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO EVERYONE!

I would like to wish you all a very Merry Christmas and hopefully it will bring as much happiness and fun in to your lives as these guys could!

Enjoy!!

Kristian.... ;-))

I must confess - Christmas isn`t going that bad...

Gosh, it`s two days gone only and so many things happened i never had time to update here. Amongst all these things i will only mention one at the moment which meant a lot to me and really made my day. Even now when i think about it i can only smile and feel warmth in my heart.
I got up this morning and there were a couple of mails waiting for me downstairs as usual. I kinda like the fact that Royal Mail works properly and companies use the service on a regular basis so i receive some letters every day.
This time it was Christmas Cards. Both of them were very sweet to me so i stuck them on the side of the stairs immediately. One was from my very good friend who unfortunately i haven`t seen for a very long time since she has moved back to Canada. Her Name is Tamara. We used to work together years ago well before she went back home. She is one of the most fantastic girls i could ever meet in my life and i am missing her a lot. She is really important to me and i really hope that i will see her one day again.. So you can imagine how happy i was about her card however she didn`t write too much i know she is well.
The other mail was from my ex boyfriend from Denmark. Well, i don`t even remember when we broke up but it was definitely well before i had moved to London so it has got to be around six years ago. I was very young that time and we had had a very wild and stormy relationship spiced up with loads of arguments and fights but if i need to be honest, he was THE love of my life. When we broke up i had promised to myself that i would never talk to him again and so did he i guess but as years were going and i grew up a little bit i realised how much i loved him and i miss him from my life. He meant a lot to me and he will always have a piece in my heart. - No, not as a boyfriend! Don`t you get me wrong! I would never want him to be my boyfriend again, that`s gone but as a friend. I think he is a perfect friend (God, it must sound very silly) and i really want to create a good friendship with him. So we tried to maintain a kinda good relationship over the Internet in the past few years and i think we are getting there with it. In meanwhile he was having a long term relationship and so was i the difference is that i broke up with my ex last year and never heard from again (not like i would like to) and he still lives together with his partner (who i am not sure is the recent at the moment) and they are managing to maintain a very good relationship which i am absolutely happy about.
So as i received the card in the morning i text messaged to him saying thank you and we had some video chat over the msn. He was really ever so nice. He even invited me to go and visit them in Denmark. A little later he called me and we had a nice chat over the phone as well. I was very happy about it than he was telling me that his partner John arrived home than. We had had a little discussion about him earlier and today as well, so i knew a bit about the guy but all in the sudden he handled the phone over to him and i was talking to him. I felt the situation very weird at the first place than i realised the guy was a really nice person and he also said i should go and visit them in Copenhagen. All in all we had a nice chat.
After this call i was so happy and so emotional all day and i had random thoughts about going to Denmark meeting John and my ex Preben and his old friends who i knew and haven`t seen for a long time. Honestly i love Copenhagen and i really am considering to go and have a visit.
I am also very happy that we could make this and we both only want friendship now but that we strongly want. I realised when i spoke to John on the phone i never had any bad feeling or the slightest fraction of jelousy but i felt happy for him instead to have met a nice guy like this one. He sounded ever so nice and from his voice and invitation i don`t belive that would cause any trouble to see them there.
After this all i went to work and because they really have made my day i was so smiley and kind all day to everyone and people asked what happened.. I didn`t say anything just smiled

Thank you guys, thanks really to Preben and John this is my first Christmas present this year and i am very very happy about it.

God sees everything! So do i...

I just had a little chat to my sister. We chat nearly every day. We do it on the phone sometimes and send emails to each others as well but we prefer most chatting on msn.
She is a fantastic creature in the world. She is one of the most important if not THE most important person in my life. However, she is the one i least know. As i had moved out of "home" some like 11 or even more actually 12 years ago with the move i lost the everyday contact to my immediate family and with it to her as well. She was than 6 or 7 years old and i was like 15 or 16. I didn`t recognise the importance of spending time with brother or sister and actually not knowing them would ever leave an unfilled space in me. Well it did. I just realised some time ago what a big space there is in my life and what a big thing this is what i had skipped on. I always found her very important to me in some way but never really could explain in what way. I never really had the chance to spend some time together so i just left it like that and went with the flow.

This summer in around June i came up with the idea. She just finished her high school and passed her application exams towards university so i thought here is the time. Here was the time to get to have the chance to spend some time together. By this age she is adult enough to understand my life. To understand that her brother would never have a proper family and children and she would not put on questions about it. Yes she turned 19 this year. So i spoke to my mom and told her that i would send the tickets and everything i want her here for a month. I said a month but i left the date on her return ticket opened in case she would want to stay longer.

Than she arrived. She was to spend a whole month with me and only with me. No other members of the family only her and i in our little environment making the circumstances easy and uplifted. I was very excited and so was she. Obviously since we never had spent together more than a couple of days in one go ever since i moved out of "home".

Right i was to make her one month full of adventures and fab programs. Showing around in London and taking her to the theatre was just one side of the task. We had to spend the most possible time together to see the most of each others was the other side and the most important part of the challenge. We had some crashes and arguments but i must say we had a fantastic time together and i am sooo looking forward to being able to repeat it anytime in the (hopefully very) near future.

Unfortunately she had to go back after spending here a bit over 4 weeks because her uni started and the dates were very tight. Ever since than we keep in touch and try to maintain the every day contact. Guys, msn is a good thing! :-))

I do believe that this one month was not enough at all to get to know her but i believe we have started our journey towards each others and we are on the best way to get somewhere with it.

So, as we were talking today i was telling her about my day and so on and she was telling me what had happened to her too. I told her that i had restarted blogging again. I thought she would really try to turn me off or something but no. She told me she had a blog as well and she sent me the link immediately.

OMG i will have the updates of my sister`s thoughts! - this is what came to me for the very first. So i couldn`t wait to get rid of her on the chat and started to read her blogs.

As i was reading them i realised how much i loved her and how much i missed her and i got tears in my eyes. I was eating her words and the way she writes.. Gosh, her kinda sense of humour is so dry and so targeted.. I love her! I really do. She has got a thought about everything. No matter what kind of issues she meets she has got a proper thought about that. - and you know what?! I love it! I love her thoughts!

I noticed that she actually writes nearly every day. This makes me happy. Hehehehe... It is a bit like having an eye on her!

I am feeling a bit like God. He has got his eye on us all the times and by reading her blogs i can have my eyes on her! :-))

>>"This picture was taken by NASA with the Hubble telescope. They are referring to it as the "Eye of God". I thought it was beautiful and worth sharing."<<

Christmas Tree

Guess what! I got up this morning (ok, afternoon around 2pm) and the first thing i heard was; "Darling, i spoke to Robert on the phone last night and he asked whether we had the tree put up yet or not. I said no because you would put it up on Monday!" "Also the carer asked about our Christmas Tree this morning and Susan at lunch time! I told them too on Monday!" "You will put it up on Monday than won`t you my sweetheart?" - this was Hilda with her questions with some instructive tone in her voice. OMG, i thought to myself, "Yes sure i will!" - i said and i rushed to the bathroom immediately. My Goodness. It is really here, Christmas is really very close. Alright, not a problem i still have got like two days left till Monday so i better just relax and get the fuss about it than. I am sure for anyone else putting up a Christmas tree isn`t a thing, but they normally do it together with someone or alone but than it is done for the one`s self entertaining with no supervision from an armchair. Anyway, i still have got two days left... So i started to relax myself as i was doing my morning grooming. All early afternoon i heard Hilda was listening to Christmas songs from her new CDs which (4 of them) i bought for her a couple of weeks ago. She was so cute as sang along and i could tell, she was really in the mode. This made me remember to write some more Christmas cards so i picked up a bunch from my cupboard and went downstairs to write them in the sitting room. As i was siting writing my cards and listening to the choir from the CD player i got into this kinda Christmas like mode as well. I felt very cosy. Than my phone rang. My boss phoned and asked me if i could do a shift in another pub on Monday. I said yes. Than we hang up the phone and i carried on with the cards. In about 20 minutes i got a thought. If i am working a Monday shift i won`t be able to put up the tree. OK, it is too late to call back Wayne and he was asking so nicely also the money isn`t too bad just right before my birthday (that`s when the shift will be paid to me) and i can not disappoint Hilda to make her wait another day since she has promised to everyone around her. Than i looked at her and she was smiling as she was still singing the Christmas songs. "Hilda!" "I will have to go to work on Monday, but don`t you worry i will put up the Christmas tree tomorrow!" "Tomorrow?" "OK my darling! That`s very good!" - she said and she was like a little child she was so happy about the good news. Right i thought - OK, i am to put up the fucking tree tomorrow. Not a problem. I still have got the whole day left and i only work tomorrow evening so i can do it just before leaving!

My phone rang again. Richard my friend called saying he was gonna go to swim but he realised he had forgotten something and he didn`t want to go back home because he is right by the station already and he wanted to ask me for a favour anyway so would i mind him popping in. Alright, that`s fine. He comes around nearly every day since i live very close to the station and i get always in his way when leaving for somewhere.

In about 5 minutes he was at my place. We had a nice chat and he asked me if i had like 15-20 spare Christmas cards because he couldn`t get any at those funny Indian shops. As i had used them nearly all i could have only given him like 2 or 3 but he needed the whole lot of the same kind. Anyway we carried on chatting and we came upstairs to my room when i finished with my cards. Than he came up with the question.

"You know, Gary is coming home tomorrow and i am on at work from 2 o` clock so i won`t be able to meet him!" "What time do you start?" - he asked. "At 6pm" - i said. "Do you wanna swap the shifts so you could make a bit of money and i could see Gary?" - he asked me again. Well the offer was very tempting because i really need the money in the next two weeks since i have got a lot to pay off. So i thought alright, i could do that but than i need to put up the fucking tree today! "Alright Richard!" - i turned to him - "How long have you got left now till you leave for work?" "Twenty minutes." he said.

I took his hand and lead him to the other room. I made him help me to take all the decorations and everything including the everlasting tree out of the wardrobe and we went downstairs. Guys, you should have seen Hilda`s face. Like a child`s first time in a candy shop. She was the happiest person ever. We were putting up the TREE! Richard had to leave for work in a little while and i finished it up on my own. Hilda was watching me from her chair and kept on wiping her eyes. She was so happy to have the tree up and i became very happy too by having seen her emotions. In about one hour time it was ready and i was just standing next to this old lady and looked at her. She looked at me and smiled. "Thank you my darling!" - she said. And this was the nicest thank you i could get from anyone. It was worth of everything. I am so grateful that things happened and made me do it today so i could make someone very happy and this really made my day.

When i heard her going to bed i went downstairs to say good night and i asked her if i should switch off the lights on the tree for her. "No, i want to see the tree before i fall asleep!" - she said with a wide smile on her face.

Bitch..

My friend Richard came to visit me this afternoon. Well, he came at around 6pm. We had a nice chat and when he realised that i actually hadn`t put my feet out of my house for 3 days at all he started on me. He said i couldn`t carry on like this and forced me to go to work with him. At the pub where he works, I do there like one or two working shifts every now and than. Since i knew there were loads of Christmas Cards addressed for me and i have got my cards for the colleagues as well i thought alright. Let`s go and i pick up my cards also leave mines there and check when is my next working shift. I was hoping to see some guys i knew there so i could have had some company for a drink or two.

When we got there i found a big private Christmas party downstairs at the club area for the *Big Benders Gay Badminton Club* which was full of `down-to-earth guys` (around 80 guys all in their 40s - 50s kept well single and the beauty therapist would have ran away from the task if saw them). After having a look inside i decided it was well out my interest so thought to settle down upstairs and get myself a beverage.

As i am sitting at the bar sucking my vodka tonic thinking how boring this is and maybe i should just go home, my big boss the famous Guvnor Jimmy Smith himself comes to me and says hello with a wide smile on his face. I happily acknowledged him since i really like the guy. He has always been very nice to me and when some time earlier before he noticed that i was going through a very hard time he helped me a lot by having a very serious and deep conversation. He was very nice again and cheered me up by the little chat we had. By the time he left me at the bar i was having a pretty good mode and i thought i should have a look about to see who was around. My favourite workmate was having his entitled one hour break so i joined him. We had a good laugh. When he finished his break i thought as it was time for the club to open up to public and the private party must had finished so i went downstairs to have another look. Nothing. Same people. Anyway, i decided to stay.

As i am standing by the bar waiting to be served i saw someone. Quite handsome and after having a proper look i had to realise the guy had scarily similar features to the very last guy i kinda saw and dumped me on a mysterious reason. I soooo wanted that guy. He was soooo much like the one just popped out of my dreams. And he just dumped me without any explanation anything. He didn`t even tell me that he didn`t want to see me again. It was his his flatmate/best friend who opened up my eyes and told me that my guy was seeing someone else. Looking at this guy here right than made me to remember and started to feel very bad. I was thinking about that bastard again and it was putting me down. I realised that i was standing by the bar just looking out of my face without any emotion and i felt i needed a cigarette. I nicked one from one of the barmen`s. I went into my thoughts very deeply. I mean i must have done so because i only saw some guys looking at me very strangely. I looked down on myself searching for the "funny thing" but as neither my fly was opened nor my top was tipped i just carried on looking and thinking. I didn`t really notice the crowd and the loud music i was surrounded with i was just standing there and looking out of my head without being able to see anything. I must have done that for quite a while though. I kinda noticed that someone was passing by and he was first smiling at me than did a face and left. I didn`t pay any attention. Than another guy did the same. Than a short time later another one. I was thinking "What the hell is wrong with these guys?"

After about 10 guys having done the same thing i really questioned what was going on. Finally i got the idea.

A little (quite not handsome) guy came up to me and said; "I don`t know what you think of yourself! I kinda fancied you but anytime i am trying to look at you you just look through me! I think you are a fucking Kamp and i don`t think this kind of behaviour will take you anywhere. Even if you don`t fancy me, you could at least smile back or look at me and i will know that you are not interested! But i am sorry, this is very rude what you are doing!"

I just looked at him and i smiled. "I am sorry! I didn`t realise what was going on!" I said, but before i could finish my sentence the little man left me at the bar.

Oh my God. This must had been what people reacted so funnily. They were trying to make eye contacts to me and i was so much into my own world with my thoughts and my cigarette so i didn`t even realise i just looked through them They all now must think i am a "fucking Kamp" (as the little guy said) because i just didn`t even notice them. This thought made me smile for the first place than i thought it wasn`t that funny really. Not even two seconds later from the crowd the guy turned up again. The guy who so terribly reminded me of that guy i dated. I smiled again. I knew, this party here was just about to begin but this time it wasn`t my party. I just couldn`t get in to the mode at all tonight.

The DJ started to announce the begining of the kabaret. I looked at the clock. It was ten past midnight. I knew, it was time to go home!

When dreams come true..

Since around the age of 15 or 16 i had always wanted to work something to make my own money. The idea was always something in costumer service with some glance. First i wanted to work on a cruising ship. Than i thought i wanted to be a Hotel Receptionist than a Tourist guide later it came to the Holiday Representative. When i spoke to my friends about it they just smiled all the times. They said they thought all these jobs i listed were far too gay so in their opinion i just want to do something very gay. Dunno, funny anyway. My final decision came up during my university years. I said i was gonna be a Flight Attendant. Well, i didn`t do much about it. I finished uni and graduated in Hotel and Tourism, Catering and Hospitality management. Than i started to work in a hotel as a Front of House manager. It was very convenient and i was honestly very good at it. Than i moved on. I left the country and i came to live in London. The idea to fly was always floating in front of me but i just never did anything about it. I started to work in Hospitality management and i was doing it for quite a while. Than one day i just suddenly got fed up with the world and i thought; Alright. It`s time to jet off! I remember, it was like 2 or 3 o` clock in the morning. I went online and i filled in the application forms. Than the ones i couldn`t send online i downloaded and made a print out. Thinking i would do them in the morning. OMG, it took hours to fill them all in very precisely. But i did it. Than i went to bed. I was playing with the thought. What happens if i get the job. Oh My.. I can`t, my dreams never come true.. Than i thought oh yes, they always do.. Somehow they always do...! These thoughts drove me to sleep. I was sleeping till afternoon since i went to bed very "early" in the morning. When i got up i just turned on my computer as a daily routine and went downstairs to see what was going on down there. Than i came back in my room and saw i had several emails in my inbox. I opened them and couldn`t believe my eyes. Amongst all those junks there was a reply from British Airways. Yes, i opened it and i read it very slowly. YES! I got shortlisted and invited to their assessment day at their training centre. I just needed to bring my passport and my NINO card along also to provide the exact dates from previous employment! "Not a problem!" - i thought to myself!

I still had got nearly two weeks left until the interview and i thought i could collect all the information needed.

The next day i got mugged on my way home and with all my belongings my passport and my NINO card got stolen.

When i was looking for my previous p45s i had to realise them i must had lost them during moving home so i can`t provide the dates.

Basically two days before the interview i was without any of my proof of identity or previous employment. I knew i wouldn`t be able to make it. I emailed BA and asked for another appointment but that was two short notice for them so they couldn`t make it. I had to wait six months till i could actually reapply and than i could get the job!

I was thinking about this all than and there is a big question all the times. Why is that when i am given something and my dreams seem to come true than from the other side the same thing is taken back?

It has always been like that in my life. I never could get anything smoothly or easily. I always saw those guys who say meet someone and from the next day they are "boyfriended up". When i meet someone by the next date he has got someone else.

Whenever i found a new job i always got the second preferred one from the applied ones or if i got the one i wanted that was because the one they actually wanted to employ has stepped back so they took me as the second best!

Yes, i think this is the word. I am the second best. Or maybe not even the best. I am always the SECOND! Isn`t it just very strange? I think it is because i never think of myself as the second best. I actually do believe that at things i fell being the best i really am the best!

I guess there may well be basic things i need to change in my attitude or in my coded behaviour or personality so i will not come across to people as the second but i will be noticed as the FIRST! Yes! It sounds like a good idea. I think this could be a solution!

Hmmmm, let this be my last thought for today and i`ll have a thought about it. It`s quite late anyway so let this drive me to sleep now but i promise i will let you know where i`ve come to about it..

Good night!

Very merry Christmas

Oh yes, Christmas is coming up now and everyone seems to be very excited. My grandmother has been asking me nearly every day that how long we have left till the big event for about 4-5 weeks now and i keep telling her; - "4 more weeks Hilda!" or, "Yes dear, it`s still three weeks left"
The worst thing about her is that she feels some kind of competition about it and so she wanted to put up the Christmas Tree like 3 weeks ago, thinking if we are the first ones in the street than we are going to have the best Christmas!
She has already bought all her prezzies weeks ago as well. Cute!
Well, there are a few put up in the street, i am not willing to do it till about 2-3 days before Christmas Day.

Everyone around me is so fucking over excited i guess or it may well only be me not showing any apricietion towards this event.
But why would i be??

I mean i understand my partnered friends of mine even Richard who has got successfully boyfriended around two months ago so now he has got someone top warm up the holy night. Well, i have got nobody!
Also, my other friends are going home to see their families so they will have a nce Christmas too.

Well, i am staying!
I don`t actually have a strong realtionship to my family so there is no point to go and see them and i have spent Christmas on my own in the past 10 years anyway so i really have got used to it. I mean i would if it happened the ordinary way this year!

And maybe this is what is causing me the excitement this year!?
I am spending Christmas with Hilda, my adopted grandmother! Well, basically during the times we have been living together it has grown out to be a best friendship or some kind of caring towards each others and so i will have got her as company.
This makes me anxious. I so got used to have this day of the year on my own and all of the sudden i am finding myself worried about Christmas Tree, Christmas Dinner, Christmas Pudding, Christmas Presents, Christmas Cards and the whole lot what others just simply call Christmas!
To me it is not that simple! I am feeling very confused and nearly getting depressed about the change in my life!

I always had my oven roasted fish and a bottle of wine with the company of the British Television channels and that`s it. - Not this time!

Can i be honest? I am not looking forward to it at all and i think i am only doing it for Hilda! Don`t want to disappoint her!

OMG, i nearly forgot to say, my friend from NYC has forcasted a maybe for his arriving as well for the 24th and staying for 2 days! Well, however i love Hilda but i am more looking forward to that one! At least i will have some fun...

Anyway, i will keep you informed how it is going till and during than!

Bye now... - BTW; Do you like my Christmas card?

What about writing..?

I had a long conversation with my friend this afternoon about many things and that felt very good. Than we spoke about my writings here. He said i was very introvert and in his opinion i have got dark thoughts. At the time i didn`t really find important to stop by to discuss it but than later on i was thinking about it. I read my blogs time after time and i don`t think i have got dark thoughts. I don`t think i see the world dark at all. I may see the world from a different angle and maybe the memories i am writing here are not too happy but i don`t think that`s any bad. My thoughts are very bright though and i believe the irony is what he must have misunderstood for real!

He also said something like blogging is like writing a diary. Well, maybe... And it brought up a story from my childhood a very bad one to remember..

I used to write diary when i was around 12-13 years old and i carried on writing till the age of about 15 when i had my first boyfriend. OMG, i will never forget those days.. ;-)) Well, as a young gay boy i didn`t really dare to speak about me relationship to anyone so i wrote everything down. I thought that can`t be a problem!

One day i finished at school and my mom was waiting for me outside the building in the car. She never used to come to pick me up. I thought she may had decided to go and give a visit to my grandparents and wanted to collect me on the way.

Well, i sat in to the car and she was very calm. She said we were gonna go shopping.. I said alright. I felt something very strange in the air but wasn`t really sure what was going on so just let myself go with the flow.

Than she asked me to change the music and asked me to put another music on. "There are new tapes on the back seat!" -she said. I saw a little bag there with full of stuff so i searched that. I didn`t see any tapes but i found my diary there. "What is this doing in your car mom?" - i asked.

She never replied. Stoped the car and looked at me questioning. I was frightened. "What is going on here mom?" I asked.

Than she put on the question to me. The question i had been always waiting for but never wanted to be asked!! The scariest question in my life.. "Are you gay?" - she asked "Are you a fucking poof for fuck sake?" -she asked again with a sudden rise in her voice.

I was shaking in all over my body and i didn`t know what to say. I knew she had read my diary so there was no point to lie at this state. "Yes, I am!" -i said.

She slapped me and than she slapped me again, than again and again and a while later i found myself siting in the car crying beated up by my own mother. She started the car and drove to home direction. Didn`t say a word to me and i just couldn`t stop crying. When we got home before we got off the car she turned to me. "You know you cannot live like this in this house! I will send you to a boarding school, they will regulate you to live normal! I hope you understand, this is what i have to do!"

Within 2 weeks time i found myself in the boarding school surrounded with all strangers. Over spoiled teenagers, all very proud to be a student of the privileged school! Well, i wasn`t happy at all, i was torn. I was forced to be there and i was taken far away from the one i loved.

After i wrote a draft copy of this memory here in Blogger i was thinking about this all and had another conversation with Richard about the memory brought up. He said i should be happy to have this happened this way to me because this way i got through all the shit in a very early age and i didn`t need to lie the rest of my life to anyone. True, ever since than i was very honest and opened about my orientation. Probably because i wanted to prove how wrong my mother was that time!

Yes, this last conversation opened up my eyes and today i am actually grateful to my mother to have made that decision that day!

I just wanna Fucking Dance!

I have found a video on YouTube which`s services i love and this clip is fantastic. I think it just says how i feel these days.
It starts with
"I don`t give a fuck no more, if people think i am a whore!"
Well, i am not a whore at the slightest bit but i am sure people think funny things about me sometimes just because i can put on an attitude. Well, i don`t do that to hurt anyone or to be or seem to be ignorant, i simply build this kinda wall around me and close myself into this little world of mine. Though i am fine but people keep asking whether there is anything wrong or not. Nope, everything is alright, i just wanna be left alone! And i won`t put on the nice face jsut to please YOU!
I am the kind of person who will only smile at you if i like and find something interesting about you otherwise, i am sorry, no chance.

I have been single for a long while now and i think it is because i don`t do what everyone else does! I have noticed with other gay guys whenever they see a guy they are attracted to they become houseflies and keep flying around the one and keep smiling and pretending a funny and witty person just to draw the one`s attention! I know it leads to success but i find it funny and embarrassing.
I may make a mistake by not being like that but i just can`t! For a long while i did pay attention to what people thought of me and i found myself not sleeping well but thinking what he or she thinks now and what should i say and so on! Well, i honestly don`t give a fuck no more!
I find it very tiring and unnecessary because i thing the real personality will turn out later on anyway.
As i have said i have been single for a long while and i really would like to get involved with someone now. However i believe if i show my real personality and don`t fake it from the first second that should take me further. Well, it doesn`t! Sometimes i think i have got a terrible personality, but i don`t think i do because i have got loads of friends and people normally always like me and find me funny and witty from the first time we meet.
I had a strange conversation about it with Richard yesterday who said something that really made me think!
In his opinion my first dates are always very successful (well they really are) because people find the person in me who they are looking for. They find my honest, down to earth (sometimes a little pure) personality very attractive and they love it and are very attracted to me because of this! -Though they always promise me a second date (which normally never happens)!
Than they go home and recall the whole date again! Than they analyse it and start to think!
They think if i am this much straight forward and honest on the first date there must be a bigger package in the back! This scares them because they think if i show this bit for the first than i will be a dragon when it comes to a conflict or upfront situation!
This is why they get scared and usually cancel the second date than i never see them again!
They create a picture of me which they find too much!
Does it make any sense??

Well, Richard may well be very right, but there is a thing what people should understand! There is NO BIGGER PACKAGE in the back! What you see on the first date is what you really get full stop.
They should understand this somehow and this is why the next bit of the little song suits me so well...
"I am tired of laughing, i`m tired of crying,
i`m tired of faking and i`m tired of all this trying!"

Click here to watch the whole clip! Hope you`ll like it!! :-))